YOU DID THIS, Salma Hayek .

Today is the end of an era. For those of you actually reading this blog, you'll know that I've had a brief flirtation with Amanda Bynes, some would say an indictable flirtation. Of course, IAD is all over every move I make, and that's tough for young love in the city at the beginning of the century.

"Young Love in the City"

But in spite of IAD's constant interference, today I will make a confession, indeed, a proclomation. For the last 12 years there has only been one woman for me: Salma Hayek. Today, that era draws to a close.

"Santanico Pandemonium, it's not you, it's me."

Salma, listen, we've had some good times. In a way, you'll always be a part of me. Ever since I saw you in Desperado, we've been all but inseperable. Sure, we've fought from time to time. I thought you should have just done without the unibrow in Frida to make the lesbian love scenes more palatable to me, you wanted to go for authenticity. Fine. Every couple has their little spats, right?

"Big spats."

I even let you date Ed Norton, not because I liked the thought of you with him, but because I knew that the moment I tried to claim you once and for all, you'd escape my grasp, slippery fish that you are. Even your ambigously romantic relationship with Penelope Cruz didn't phase me. Well, it phased me, but not the way you think.

"Somewhat, slightly, phased."

You know why I let all these little infidelities go? You were in Wild, Wild, West. That should have been punishment enough.

"Break out before you get bumrushed at the wild, wild, west."

So, you may ask, "Missile, why now? We have so much in common. I'm Mexican, you're Cuban, that's relatively close geographically. I was in "The Faculty," you were the only person that liked that movie in the entire world bar none." You're right, Salma, you are right. It's just...listen, I'm a young man, you are a surpring 41 years old. Also, I can't tie myself down to one person, especially a person that's knocked up with THIS GUY'S KID.

"Hello, I'm an old Frenchman that fucks Salma Hayek. I'm worth a billion dollars. I rule you."

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SALMA? True love, blah, blah, yadda, whatever. Look, I can't take the pressure anymore. It's over between us. Look, just move on, let's not make this uglier than it needs to be...besides...there is someone else I've been seeing...Eva Green.

"There is another Skywalker..."

Wow. Wowie, wow, wow, wow. After seeing Eva Green in Casino Royale, and then subsequently checking her out in The Dreamers, the verdict is in. Eva Green: you are hearby promoted to The Cuban Missile's #1 Celebrity Girlfriend. You've earned it.

"Really earning it."

Factors that push Eva Green to the top of the list, aside from her incredible hotness, include being 26 and the freak factor. That's essentially an extra 20 years of hotness I am getting out of her before she starts to hit the upper limits. Let's be honest, even at 41, Salma may still actually be hotter than Eva Green, but to put it in sports terms, Eva Green has incredible upside. After all, she gets it on with her own brother in The Dreamers. Now, while most of you would say "Hey, that's fucking gross." I say, if she would do that to her own brother, imagine what she'd do to me? Think about it.

"Rub a-dub, dub, I fuck my bro and Michael Pitt, that kid from Hedwig and Bully in this tub."

With all those factors in mind, it would be irresponsible for me to pick anyone BUT Eva Green. If Salma wants to petition me for another chance, I may be open to such communication, but until then, Eva Green, you are embarking on a magical ride. In case you were wondering what I look like, Eva, I'll include my most recent Myspace photo. Notice how I play the angles.

"Playing all the angles, just for you Eva Green."