YOU DID THIS

YOU DID THIS: LIVE!

2011-04-19T22:54:00.000-07:00

It's almost time for our incredible rebirth into "You Did This: Live!" -- one of the first live comedy shows ever on YouTube. 2pm PST. BE THERE!

http://www.youtube.com/user/singleservingfilms?feature=lb#p/l/s/N9dZEQhrIY0

You did this. You brought me back.

2010-10-21T04:08:00.001-07:00

Don't look now, but we may just be back...for the time being go here and check out the new video. DIO DEMANDS IT FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!

http://www.youtube.c om/watch?v=x3mDJNr_YJQ

YOU DID THIS, Twitter!

2009-03-24T17:02:00.000-07:00

Writing entire blog entries can be exhausting. Hell, writing in general is exhausting. Especially for professional writers. That is why we've made the jump to Twitter. FOLLOW US: http://twitter.com/youdidthisblog

YOU DID THIS, DEFAMER!

2007-06-11T21:14:00.000-07:00

You think you're so cool because you're a "bigger" blog than YOU DID THIS. That doesn't give you a right to Mencia my joke.

The post in question...

I did it first. Consider yourself DEFAMED...

YOU DID THIS, people who don't understand smart things on tv!

2007-06-11T01:10:00.000-07:00

The final episode of "The Sopranos" was on tonight. If for some reason you didn't see it and you don't want me to spoil anything, stop reading.

Within 2 minutes of the credits rolling, the internet was full of messages of hate.

"WHAT THE FUCK!"
"THIS SUX!"
"STUPEDIST SHIT EVRR!"
"SKRUE U DAVED CHEAS"

As time went by, both the messages and the spelling proceeded to get worse and worse. People couldn't take it. They couldn't handle it. How dare they end the show like that?

In case you don't know, the final scene was the family out to dinner, tension in the air. Tony keeps seeing people who could potentially whack him. There's no way to know. It feels like something bad is going to happen as Journey blasts out of the jukebox. Then, we cut to black. Not fade. CUT. And we stay there for a while.

The final 10 seconds...
A lot of folks didn't seem to like this. I can only imagine that these are same people as the "American Movie Patrons" that The Cuban Missile wrote about in April. Is it not enough for them to demand shitty crap in my theatres but now they want it on my TV?! "The Sopranos" has never been "Goodfellas." Yeah, there's been whacking and mob stuff and all that, but is that what the show was about? Did you forget all the "artsy" things that have happened along the way? You expected this all to turn into a giant bloodbath, didn't you? Perhaps you wanted this to all wrap-up nicely?

I hate to break it to you, but "The Sopranos" is a show with things like metaphors and symbols. A show in which things aren't clear cut. In this world, things aren't like that. This is a show that demands you think about it afterwards. But perhaps asking you children to think is giving you all way too much credit. Tell me what you were honestly expecting the show's ending to be! It left us in the same place that Tony will be in for the rest of his life.

That's right. Tony is alive. Don't think you can escape, people who liked the ending but think Tony dies. You are just as slow as the haters. In some ways, you are even more annoying. You pretend to like the smart ending but you don't even know why it was smart. The blackout was not Tony getting shot. The final shot that blacked out WASN'T EVEN FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW! If anything it was you, the viewer getting shot by David Chase. That's it for you. You don't deserve any more.

Smart people around the country feel very satisfied from this show we've loved for years. Idiots are whiny babies. Go watch your Tivoed Geico commercials to make sure you're all caught-up on the big important plot-points before CAVEMEN debuts in the fall...

Goodnight, Sopranos. Your replacements shall only remind us of how great you were. And how great you ended...

YOU DID THIS, Salma Hayek .

2007-05-24T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today is the end of an era. For those of you actually reading this blog, you'll know that I've had a brief flirtation with Amanda Bynes, some would say an indictable flirtation. Of course, IAD is all over every move I make, and that's tough for young love in the city at the beginning of the century.

"Young Love in the City"

But in spite of IAD's constant interference, today I will make a confession, indeed, a proclomation. For the last 12 years there has only been one woman for me: Salma Hayek. Today, that era draws to a close.

"Santanico Pandemonium, it's not you, it's me."

Salma, listen, we've had some good times. In a way, you'll always be a part of me. Ever since I saw you in Desperado, we've been all but inseperable. Sure, we've fought from time to time. I thought you should have just done without the unibrow in Frida to make the lesbian love scenes more palatable to me, you wanted to go for authenticity. Fine. Every couple has their little spats, right?

"Big spats."

I even let you date Ed Norton, not because I liked the thought of you with him, but because I knew that the moment I tried to claim you once and for all, you'd escape my grasp, slippery fish that you are. Even your ambigously romantic relationship with Penelope Cruz didn't phase me. Well, it phased me, but not the way you think.

"Somewhat, slightly, phased."

You know why I let all these little infidelities go? You were in Wild, Wild, West. That should have been punishment enough.

"Break out before you get bumrushed at the wild, wild, west."

So, you may ask, "Missile, why now? We have so much in common. I'm Mexican, you're Cuban, that's relatively close geographically. I was in "The Faculty," you were the only person that liked that movie in the entire world bar none." You're right, Salma, you are right. It's just...listen, I'm a young man, you are a surpring 41 years old. Also, I can't tie myself down to one person, especially a person that's knocked up with THIS GUY'S KID.

"Hello, I'm an old Frenchman that fucks Salma Hayek. I'm worth a billion dollars. I rule you."

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SALMA? True love, blah, blah, yadda, whatever. Look, I can't take the pressure anymore. It's over between us. Look, just move on, let's not make this uglier than it needs to be...besides...there is someone else I've been seeing...Eva Green.

"There is another Skywalker..."

Wow. Wowie, wow, wow, wow. After seeing Eva Green in Casino Royale, and then subsequently checking her out in The Dreamers, the verdict is in. Eva Green: you are hearby promoted to The Cuban Missile's #1 Celebrity Girlfriend. You've earned it.

"Really earning it."

Factors that push Eva Green to the top of the list, aside from her incredible hotness, include being 26 and the freak factor. That's essentially an extra 20 years of hotness I am getting out of her before she starts to hit the upper limits. Let's be honest, even at 41, Salma may still actually be hotter than Eva Green, but to put it in sports terms, Eva Green has incredible upside. After all, she gets it on with her own brother in The Dreamers. Now, while most of you would say "Hey, that's fucking gross." I say, if she would do that to her own brother, imagine what she'd do to me? Think about it.

"Rub a-dub, dub, I fuck my bro and Michael Pitt, that kid from Hedwig and Bully in this tub."

With all those factors in mind, it would be irresponsible for me to pick anyone BUT Eva Green. If Salma wants to petition me for another chance, I may be open to such communication, but until then, Eva Green, you are embarking on a magical ride. In case you were wondering what I look like, Eva, I'll include my most recent Myspace photo. Notice how I play the angles.

"Playing all the angles, just for you Eva Green."

YOU DID THIS, Peer Pressure!

2007-05-13T14:01:00.001-07:00

No. Not that type of peer pressure. We are all old enough to overcome that type. I'm talking about a type of Peer Pressure that none of us is ready for.

You know what? I was initially going to write a long, overdue blog posting about this, but it really speaks for itself doesn't it?

This is perhaps the greatest piece of recorded video, well, ever...

PS: I'm all about Pipelayer.

YOU DID THIS, working out!

2007-05-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

Fine, life, you win. It has been called to my attention by IAD, among others, that I might be a tad, a smidge, overweight. Consulting my family photos, I realized that she might be right.

"A Missile Family Reunion"

As such, I've taken it upon myself to attempt to diet and workout. I've learned a few things so far. First, working out totally sucks. Second, dieting totally sucks. The sad truth is that if you're relatively comfortable with your girth, and you already have a lady friend or an internal affairs investigator, as the case may be, there is little motivation to really go all out with pumping iron or sweatin' to the oldies. Unfortunately, as much as "health" and "a strong heart" seem great conceptually, they are far less tangible than the adoration of sexay, sexay, ladies.

"Relatively Comfortable"

Honestly, long term health issues live in that murky conceptual phantom zone where good ideas go to die. My solution: IAD should allow me to court and conquer at least 1 new woman per 10 pounds that I lose. This seems to be a tangible soultion that satisfies, and I do mean satisfies, both of our longterm goals. Hers, to keep me alive, mine, to become a living sex god.

"Every ten pounds lost = one of THESE"

Oh yeah, now we're talking. I anticipate some resistance to this idea, but really it is the only thing that makes sense. Walking up and down the stairs in my apartment building is no cake walk, and I just think I deserve a little something for ME, aside from losing weight and looking better. Of course, as usual, my genius is never recognized in its own time.

"Every moment my genius isn't recognized, this cat cries."

There is another way...a way so glorious that I almost fear to mention it: SUMO. Yes, that's right, perhaps, as a show of defiance, I will go the opposite way, by becoming the butterball I have always dreamed of being and taking up the time-honored sport of sumo. Think about it, all these guys get paid to do is to fight, eat, and throw salt around the ring to honor their local kami. Not too bad at all. Yes, with this new plan, I really win either way. Fuck working out, let's sumo fight all night long, baby.

"Foreplay for The Cuban Missile (post Sumo) and IAD."

YOU DID THIS, American Movie Patron!

2007-04-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

So, it's come to my attention that the average moviegoer didn't bother to go to the movies to see Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino's "Grindhouse." In fact, the studio was so quick to call it a bomb (which sadly it was), that I am afraid most people are never even going to have the opportunity to see the film, as originally presented, after this weekend.

"The average American movie goer."

This is pathetic. I indict you, America. You have no taste in film. Listen, it is one thing for a movie like Children of Men to get critical acclaim, but for the Sloths of the world to ignore it. I understand that, I accept that, but it is another thing when people that should know better start bitching about works of true brilliance like Grindhouse. I've never heard such a massive bitchfest from a supposedly informed group of movie enthusiasts. It has gotten to the point that people that actually did take the time to see the movie, for which I suppose I salute them, are telling others to leave the movies before Tarantino's movie plays. Un-fucking-believable!

"Me speak pretty someday."

Let me tell you, being at Grauman's Chinese Theater at 8 p.m. on opening night was a great experience. Having Quentin, Robert, and the rest of the cast show up was just icing on the cake. The people in the audience got it. We laughed our asses off, and loved every fucking minute of it. Rosario Dawson even spoke to me, but I had to let her down easy, as IAD is still just waiting for me to slip up.

"The future Mrs. Cuban Missile?"

The main criticism I've heard so far is that Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof was an indulgent mess. Benji's been fighting with his movie forum over this for weeks, and his poor little heart can't take it anymore. Look, take it from me, and I am a COLLEGE GRADUATE, the movie is brilliant, and if you haven't seen it yet go out and see it at once.

"A college graduate."

I am sick and tired of seeing movies like Norbit and Are We Done Yet? do well at the box office at the expense of fine movies, but as intelligent movie people, YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY to support TRUE ART. (I say this in spite of my unending love for Ice Cube, so you know I'm serious.)

"We be clubbin'."

Go to Grindhouse. Buy Children of Men on DVD. I have been subjected of late to an unending litany of horrible movies, and I do it for you, my friends, so that the movies I write can at least be a modicum better than the unending shit that seems to be filling up the movie theaters, piledriving real American cinema into submission.

"Symbolic piledriver...sexy symbolic piledriver."

It might be too late for Grindhouse, but the next time someone says that they want to go and see the new Hillary Duff movie instead of the new Tarantino movie, you have my permission to do whatever it takes to make sure they see a real movie instead. Be brutal.

"I was cured, alright."

YOU DID THIS, Skynet!

2007-04-05T01:36:00.000-07:00

Great, just fantastic. First we get the fucking human-animal hybrid manimals, now Skynet has launched. Check it out:
The British military's Skynet 5A satellite has been launched into space from Kourou in French Guiana.
The spacecraft is part of a £3.2bn system that will deliver secure, high-bandwidth communications for UK and allied forces.

Sunday's lift-off came 24 hours after a first attempt was thwarted by a technical glitch in ground equipment.

"We've already received telemetry from it. In fact, we had a ground station see it just 10 minutes after separation. We've even sent commands to Skynet. It's behaving itself perfectly," he told BBC News shortly after the launch.

"Skynet's going to provide five times the capacity that the previous system provided, and allow the military to do things they just haven't been able to do in the past," Mr Wood explained."

Skynet 5A matches the capability of the best modern satellite platforms - on which the world depends for much of its telephone, TV, and internet traffic - but has been specially prepared for military use.

"Not good."

For those of you not in the know, let me introduce my good friend Arnold to bring you up to speed."It's not a tumor."

T-800: The Skynet Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

"He tried to warn us."

Doesn't sound that bad? What's the rest of the story? Ms. Connor, can you tell us?

Sarah Connor: 3 billion human lives ended on August 29th, 1997. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the machines. The computer which controlled the machines, Skynet..."The only good machine is a dead machine...except for Youdidthis.com"

But, Missile, some of you bleeding hearts will say, wasn't this all supposed occur in 1997? Aren't we safe now? BIG FUCKING DEAL. The point is that Skynet is up and operational. In spite of what some British geek squad member might say about Skynet "behaving itself" I call bullshit on them for two reasons:

A. Doesn't it seem like really asking for it to name your super-intelligent military satellite Skynet?

B. What kind of asshole scientists have either never seen Terminator 2: Judgement Day or are so defiant of Murphy's Law (what can go wrong, WILL GO WRONG) that they name their pet project Skynet just to prove how cocky they are? Go to hell, Britain.

"Murphy's Law: What can go wrong, will go wrong. He should know."

So basically, humanity is ending any day now. The manimals, Skynet, Norbit, what else do you need? My advice? Run for the hills. "Would you let your daughter date a T-800?"

The hubris of man has once again boned those of us that are filled with slightly less hubris in the ass. Unbelievable."Boned."

YOU DID THIS, Passover!

2007-04-04T01:33:00.000-07:00

This evening, for the first time, I "led" Passover Seder. I sat at the head of the table. I was in charge.
Now, for those of you who don't know what Seder is, it's basically, like most Jewish occasions, an excuse for Jews to get together to eat and talk. Only this time, the food is slightly different, and instead of telling the same story that the whole family's heard for 50 years, we tell a story that we've heard for a few thousand.

This really doesn't sound all that complicated, but Jews have a history of making things far more complicated than they really are. The average Seder takes a while to get through. Lots of prayers and passages and traditions that take hours, when it can really be so much simpler.

Tonight, being the leader, I made it so (after all, I couldn't spend hours on Seder when I could be watching Sanjaya's hair and the return of Vic Mackey). I did an entire Seder in 60 seconds flat, and I didn't leave a thing out. We were eating in no-time. Here's how to cut corners for next year:
1) Jews like to thank God over and over for wine, matzah, candles, parsley, washing hands, etc. Can we not just thank him for the whole meal at once? Tonight's seder began with, "Thank you, God, for all of this. It looks terrific."

2) We've all heard the four questions and we remember the answers. I briefly asked the table if they were all aware as to why we did these special things. They were. (No children were present, adding to the simplicity.)

3) We know the story. "Times were hard, we got out of there."

4) Movie Tie-in. "For anyone that doesn't know about the ten plagues, we don't need to spend the time talking about it now. Hollywood's releasing a film about it this weekend. Go see that."

Then we ate. We celebrated our faith and we remembered what our people went through. We were good Jews....good, efficient Jews...

YOU DID all of THIS, Paul Walker

2007-03-30T03:07:00.000-07:00

Meet the Deedles
The Skulls
2 Fast 2 Furious
Joy Ride
Timeline
Into the Blue
Running Scared

Why? Tell me why...

I DID THOSE

YOU DID THIS, Vic Mackey!

2007-03-29T02:10:00.000-07:00

A few people have voiced concerns that my previous posts have dealt exclusively with my rage/lust towards teenage girls. In the spirit of cooperation (with the authorities) I have decided to go the opposite way today. Recently, I've been introduced to the FX show "The Shield." Without warning, I've become hopelessly addicted. The show stars former "Commish" Michael Chiklis. Here's what he used to look like:

"Hey! Don't pick on the fat guy!"

I love his look in this photo. It's like someone just told him that Hostess has stopped making Ho-Ho's, and he's at the bartering stage of loss. "Come on, you guys can make a few more for me, right? For the Commish?" Well, as it turns out, lurking inside the heart of every chubby actor beats the heart of a stone cold killer. I should know. Here's what Chiklis looks like today:

"I eat your soul."

So essentially, Chiklis slimmed down and turned himself into uber-badass cop Vic Mackey. Some of my favorite Vic Mackey moments are when he forces his gun into a prostitute's mouth and says "Take it" in order to prove his dominance, Vic capping an informant on his team in the face, and Vic sleeping with the estranged, insane wife of the IAD (Internal Affairs) officer trying to bring him down, just to get leverage.

"A Man's Man"

For those of you not in the know, Internal Affairs is the department in police forces that investigates corrupt cops, and one of my favorite cliches in cop show/movies. I love the concept of people constantly living in fear of IAD coming down on them and tearing apart every detail of every action in order to find flaws and inconsistencies. In fact, watching The Shield has made me realize that IAD is sort of like having a significant other. I might start calling my girlfriend IAD in my daily life, just so I can be more like Vic Mackey. "Sorry guys, I can't stay out tonight, IAD is on my back" or "Sorry, coked up prostitute behind Ruby Tuesday's, I would slip it to you, but that would call down a fullscale IAD investigation.

"IAD"

To really make this work, I suppose you'll have to imagine me as a member of Vic Mackey's Elite Strike team. In a few years, it is not impossible I could train myself to become a lethal enforcer like Vic Mackey. Thanks to modern technology, we now have an artist's rendering of what it might look like had I been cast as Vic Mackey instead of that hack Chiklis.

What else do I really need to say? I'd better stop, I have a feeling that this post is going to have IAD crawling all over my ass.

YOU DID THIS, Amanda Bynes!

2007-03-26T00:32:00.000-07:00

Benji pointed out that my posts to date have been going in a somewhat unexpected, and I fear, unhappy direction. I've often been against having a blog of any kind, but I see now that the blog is an excellent forum to air all my dirty laundry. This is a doozy. From my heart of darkness, I give you: Amanda Bynes

Amanda Bynes, how I loathe you. Amanda Bynes, how I love you. Again, this is where I am afraid You Did This is going to run into legal trouble, but I just need to put it out there, words cannot express the rage I feel for you. Yet, inexplicably, somewhere on that highway of righteous and justified anger...another feeling begins to emerge. Respect? Admiration? Love? You tell me I can't do any better than you, and I believe you, even though in my heart I know this relationship is going to kill me in the end. I think it all began with a little screen gem I like to call:
Everybody has a secret, mine is that I saw She's The Man. How can I ever forget that fateful night at the Providence Place Mall where we first met, cinematically. You were there, you were the man. I was there, I was drunk on power and malt liquor. Our stars converged. From that day forward you've haunted my dreams. I thought that I could dull the pain of that movie with booze, but I was wrong. It was like being trapped in Jigsaw's game in Saw. My life was in danger, but having come through the other end, I realize that you helped me.

What is it about you? Your slightly alien-like features? I am talking the big head, big forehead aliens here. Your damnable show? Your slightly quirky, slightly annoying acting habits? I watch your various movies and shows with alternating feelings of extreme euphoria, like the first blushes of love, and maniac anger. I can't say for sure, all I know is this: Amanda Bynes, if I were your babysitter, I could not be left alone with you for many reasons. You did this Amanda Bynes...you broke my heart.

P.S. I mean this all metaphorically, of course. Also, please make sure you check out Benji's post warning us all about the manimals. I wouldn't mind injecting some Amanda Bynes DNA into a sheep, what kind of Godless creation would result?

YOU DID THIS, human-animal hybrids...

2007-03-25T21:45:00.000-07:00

Remember "State of the Union '06?" Those were the days, right? People all over the country laughing about George W. Bush's fear of "human-animal" hybrids. That night, The Cuban Missile and I joked about these "MANIMALS." We joked about the president. If only we had known the truth...

A lot of people in this country think that our president doesn't read his important memos. Well, he read this one. And he warned us about it. And all we did was laugh...

WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT?

The sheep you see above is 15% human. Yes, you read that correctly.

From Britain's "Daily Mail":

Scientists have created the world's first human-sheep chimera - which has the body of a sheep and half-human organs.

The sheep have 15 per cent human cells and 85 per cent animal cells - and their evolution brings the prospect of animal organs being transplanted into humans one step closer.

Professor Esmail Zanjani, of the University of Nevada, has spent seven years and £5million perfecting the technique, which involves injecting adult human cells into a sheep's foetus.

Here's the article...

YOU DID THIS, screaming children in Reign Over Me

2007-03-25T04:40:00.000-07:00

Rather than wasting time on explaining how incredibly inappropriate it was to bring little giggling, chittering girls of about 8 years old to a movie about the aftermath of 9/11, I think I'll respond in the form of a list. Here is what I was thinking about doing to each of them. Benji assures me that there will be no legal ramifications to this post. I guess we'll see.
Girl Closest to Me - I could feel your cockiness, your sheer joy at being out in Los Angeles WELL after your usual bed time. Clearly, you were the ringleader, and had to be terminated first, to send a message to the others. I thought of taking your tiny head and snapping it like a twig, feeling your final twitches pass as if you were a dying sparrow in my hand.

Her Giggling Friend - Behind your giggles, I could sense you knew what you were doing was wrong. We made eye contact, and you must have sensed the depths of my rage. By the time you realize that Girl Closest to Me is in trouble, I assume the giggle you've been storing up will die in your throat. For you, I would have been almost gentle, lulling you into the still of death calmly and serenely with the sheer force of my indomitable warrior spirit, forcing your still beating heart to simply stop.Girl Laughing During Adam Sandler's Big Speech About His Burning Family - Ah, yes, you were a special favorite of mine. I found it most endearing when you laughed about Adam Sandler's family burning in the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks. I thought about selling you to Siberian Yak herders for a carton of cigarettes and a yak.
Girl with the Popcorn and Candy and The Rest - At this point, things would have moved quickly. For the sake of ease, I probably would have used the corpses of Girl Closest to Me and Her Giggling Friend as bludgeons to finish the rest. With great and terrible swings, I would have destroyed at least 1/5 of some poor elementary school class' population.

The Father - I would have forced you to eat the remains of your little girl and her friends until your stomach exploded, like in Seven.
I guess that about covers it. The humanity! In the words of John Cleese, what a senseless waste of human life.

P.S. Reign Over Me was a very good movie, and Don Cheadle is one of the finest actors around.

YOU DID THIS, Fergie...

2007-03-25T04:05:00.001-07:00

Oh how the meth changed you...

A fully operational battlestation?

2007-03-23T03:44:00.000-07:00

So, here we all are. I'm The Cuban Missile, and you've already met Benji. Together, we'll be charting our rise to power in all forms of media. The wheels are already in motion! With any luck, we'll have a few laughs along the way. Stick around. Take a break. Put on The Cranberries and vibe to your favorite early 90's alternative ballad. Let it linger. And remember, you did this, so lick it up.

The first time always hurts a little, baby...

2007-03-23T03:37:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the blog.

It is important.

You brought this on yourself, world.

You did this...